IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
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Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry