The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
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Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.