Me too
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I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
finally found a reasonable question
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I’m good, thanks.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness