In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
You Might Also Like
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Well, shit
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Rather alarming headline…
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences