Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
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My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.