I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
You Might Also Like
Coffee for people with no kids
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable