Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan