{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
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by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
“I FIXED IT!”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens