I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
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There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.