Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
You Might Also Like
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*