Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
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Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Help Wanted
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo