“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
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why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
X-tra spooky blend
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.