A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
You Might Also Like
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
me before I type out affect or effect
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”