He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”