My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
peak technology
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.