So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
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🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.