*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now