guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
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You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.