The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
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Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Oh boy, $150,000!
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
My therapist after every session
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark