*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
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the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024