I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
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At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.