Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
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6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Feels like the fourth month in January
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol