wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”