[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Stop it! 😂
Chemical wingman
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.