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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”