Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
motivation
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one