[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
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There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
hmmm
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
My teenage children choosing violence
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away