I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
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In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here