My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
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I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.