7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
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Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.