Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
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Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My first son he is wonderful
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.