Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
A drum solo but on your face.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.