CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
You Might Also Like
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles