Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
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The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.