i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.