Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
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The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
*lint rolls you awake*
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?