Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
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people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.