Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
You Might Also Like
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??