My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.