Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up