I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
You Might Also Like
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
man: wait
time: no
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!