shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
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Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Thursday
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”