Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Ion see the issue
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Welcome to the stomach
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
it’s the silliest best thing
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.