Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
You Might Also Like
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Ugh
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…