“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.