Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
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Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.