Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
You Might Also Like
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past