Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
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5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours