The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
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Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
one of
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.