I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
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Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.